A Forgotten Soldier In A Forgotten War ...

I am in HELL

2007-12-15T17:08:00.001-08:00

I know I haven't posted any blogs or really even been online much in the last few months. My beautiful, smart, and wonderful 13 year-old daughter Breauna Michelle came back into my life over the last few months. That's all God gave me.

She and I were long-lost souls, re-connected. We were inseparable. Her mind was just like mine - she would finish a thought that I was speaking, or a joke I was making, and vice versa. Amazing.

I was working on paternity/rights/possible custody.

She had a lot of problems. She was troubled long before I came back into her life. I won't get into why I missed ten years of her life. It's irrelevant at this point.

I don't know why she did it. I was the last person to speak to her on this earth, and she gave no hint as to her intentions for what she did just an hour or so later. She just wanted to be with me, and I was working on the legal issues. She was miserable where she was. The time just didn't move fast enough for her, and I'll never know truly why she did it, or if she had wanted to be discovered or what. I wanted to give her the world and now I will never have that chance. She was and is the love of my life.

I've been to war. Spent a year on the ground in Afghanistan. I've thought that it was hell, and it is. I would go through the worst days I experienced in Afghanistan a jillion million infinite times rather than go through November 7th, 2007 again. I type this through the streaming tears and the pain that will never, ever go away.

I love you and miss you so much Breauna Michelle. I hope to be with you in heaven someday, but I am in hell now... She will always be my daughter, my sweetheart (NO ONE will ever be called that by me again), Sweet Child O' Mine (our song).

You know I love you mostesterest times infinity times q, even though I have seven gallons and you only have two buckets. I AM dumber than my left shoe, and am the most retarded person that's not been declared legally retarded. I am also the gayest straight person that's not really gay.

I love you Bre. I love you and miss you and keep thinking you will call or text me a million times a day like before, like it's some cruel dream that I can't wake up from. Parents shouldn't bury their children. You are up there with your half-brother Anthony Edward.

I have no one else left. My divorce isn't final yet. I am all alone without you, Breauna. You are my world, and my world is gone. I will love you and think of you and cry for you with every breath I have left in this world.

I taste the pain of my tears dripping down my face at this moment. I can't live without you. Life is nothing without you. I know life goes on, but I am miserable thinking of the bright future that was snuffed out. You wanted to be a surgeon someday ... I know you would have been brilliant.

All I can ask, is why? Why God, why? Why Bre, why? You know how much you were and are loved. Forever. I would have given you all I could have, and more.

I miss you, honey. I love you, sweetheart.

xxxx oooo xxxx oooo xxxx oooo

I got served today. I know what that means now.

2007-05-24T15:16:00.001-07:00

I got served today. I know what that means now. I got served today with papers by the sheriff for the big D. Like the song says, "I'm going through the Big D, and don't mean Dallas."

Advice wanted.

Never thought it would happen. It's my religion that bothers me the most about it - our marriage had been dead for a number of years now - I had just been going through the motions - existing, ya know?

I didn't beat her, cheat her, or was mean to her - it was more like living with my sister. Working different shifts, losing our son, and then being sent away to Afghanistan for a year recently didn't help. Total deployment and being away from her was about 15 months, but still...

I may be going to Iraq in August/September. I might volunteer if they don't need me for this mission - it may be too soon after returning from Afghanistan. That was a special mission - the unit I am actually assigned to is going now. Nothing for me here, so who knows?

Anyway, I'd like to think I am a rare breed - it just didn't work out and I wish her well. I hope to remain friends with her someday.

Advice wanted. I haven't retained the services of a lawyer yet. Think I should?

Advice wanted. (Did I mention that?)

I guess I shall also be 'on the market' again soon - after 8 years or so of not being 'available'.

Scary, huh?

Any takers can inquire within. There may be a line. Just kidding!

Advice wanted ...

But most of all, friends are wanted - now, more than ever...

Advice ... sometimes it's good :)

2007-04-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

Got some advice from a friend recently - on two separate people currently involved in my life, more or less. One more, one less. One I'd like to be more involved, the other it just doesn't matter.

The one less involved? She's dangerous - I should stay away, or at least be careful. A bit of immaturity involved. The word promiscuous came up. 'Nuff said there. So far, just grade school stuff and beer drinking, etc. Nothing major there. Just having fun.

The other one is a bit more complex - but not really. The actual advice I got shall not be repeated here (well, hinted at), but it was just common sense. It's all I have in this particular situation, really. I'll just have to see how it plays out - and just how patient I am - and at this stage of the game, it's just a fantasy, anyway. The word 'pipedream' comes to mind.

The hard part is that I have already revealed too much of what's in my head to this person - and know not much of what's going on in hers. She could be just playin' me ... which isn't hard, believe me. I am still pretty naive in a lot of ways, and my current fragile emotional situation just makes it easier to play me. And I am a very passive person, which also doesn't help - not in just this situation, but in a lot of them throughout my life.

At this point, it's like beating a dead horse. What she gets out of torturing me, I don't know. Maybe it's just friendship. Maybe it's pheromones or whatever. Yeah. Whatever. I am just about to the point where I must stop these 'extra' feelings for this person, too. It's pointless and just makes me ache inside for something that will also never happen - no matter how delusional I become about her. Besides, honestly: she ain't the one, either.

I just need someone to appreciate me for ME: to be at least fairly close to me on an intellectual level, and someone who enjoys at least a few (if not most or all) of my hobbies and interests. Someone who *I* can't wait to come home to be with. Someone who can't wait to see *me* again, even after a few hours at work. ME. Is that so little to ask?

I made a mistake 7 years ago. I am so tired of living this way. Nothing against her, either. You can't make yourself love someone. Sorry.

Love is a two-way street. I am tired of going the wrong way down a one-way street and never finding that two-way street.

The longer I live, the more I am an observer of the 'human condition'.

How involved we get on so many different levels with so many different people is amazing. Some people are a part of our lives forever. Some are parts of it to varying degrees. Some are in and out of our lives in minutes, hours, weeks, days, months, years or decades. Sometimes it's like ships passing in the night - more fleeting, if you will :)

You can never go back in time, I've discovered. My trip to Germany while on leave from Afghanistan proved that to me - as if I needed proof. I needed to put my hands in Our Lord's side, just like Thomas.

We care about people because we let ourselves care about them. People are born, and they live and die every day on this third rock from the sun. We don't know or care about most of them - at least in a personal way. We may 'care for the poor and oppressed' or 'support the troops', but unless we know any personally, we don't REALLY care. They live and die and life goes on. It's the ones we let in past our emotional walls we've built for ourselves that count - and those can also do the most damage. By letting them in, it can be a great thing or a horrible thing. I'm tired of getting hurt, and may never let anyone in again. At least for a long time ...

And for my own sanity, I may have to kick some out I've recently let in ...

Don't take it personally :)

Lightning strikes twice ...

2007-04-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

She saved me again tonight.

This time, she knows it.

She didn't know before, when she saved me from harming myself.

I will name her.

Out her, if you will.

Becky. Rebecca.

I know what I must do.

What will I do?

My religion forbids it.

OUR religion forbids it.

My family will hate me.

Her family will hate me.

SHE will hate me.

I must do it.

Seven long years of knowing what a mistake it was.

I don't hate her.

Don't dislike her.

Never hit her - never was truly mean to her.

We just aren't right for each other.

I wish her well.

I love her but can never be *in* love with her.

I do love her because of what we've been through.

So much together....

Nothing personal.

I just can't live this way anymore.

Thanks, Rebecca.

You've shown me what I must do.

For my sanity - and what's left of it.

For my survival.

The truth is out there.

I want to believe.

I love you so much for saving my life tonight.

As much as friends can love each other.

I hope to be friends for a long time.

I hate the fleeting friendships of this world.

But thanks to you, I remain in this world.

I hope to be friends for more than a long time.

30 years? More? No matter how long or how far.

We *will* be friends.

What would I do without you?

Not much.

Just die.

P.S. I wrote this @ about 0300 this morning ... feeling no physical pain ... after a night of darts, Captain Morgan, Guinness, and a drunken foray with Becky into Wal Mart ... what a strange night it was ... but fun.

My last blog ...

2007-03-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

No, the title isn't implying that this will be my last blog... (well, since we know not the time nor the hour of our own earthly demise, ya never know) ... it's saying that herein I shall briefly try and explain the last one I posted prior to this one.

It wasn't an attempt at poetry or being cute.

I was drunk after a night out of drinking with the friend of mine that the 'blog' was written about. (Dare I say she's one of my newest yet dearest friends in this lonely world?) She really did save me from hurting myself or others that night. I am not a violent person. Never have been. Since Afghanistan, it seems like a different story.

I opened up my brain and these words came boiling out.

Right or wrong or wasted (take that word either way), there they are.

She knows much of how I feel about her. In that respect, it's no great secret. She teases me about it (good-naturedly, but also to make sure I know that she knows ...)

If you haven't seen the movie Scarlet Street, that explains a lot (although we haven't and definitely won't progress into *that* ridiculous situation or probably any other beyond great friendship...)

I have a lot of 'friends' here on MySpace - but a lot of the time I truly am lonely ... she saves me from that when we are together (which is often throughout the week - at work and some nights after work ...)

I agonize over erasing it - I want her to see it, but then again, I really don't. I don't want to lose her friendship over some stuff I wrote.

I wrote it, and for the time being, there it remains.

I want us to remain friends.

F R I E N D S.

Honestly, in my mental state, I don't think I could handle anything else.

Sometimes fantasies are nice.

But not as nice as *real* friends ...

P.S. Ange, my answer to you is in the comments of the blog in question ....

Will you ever know?

2007-03-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe you saved my life tonight

With your smile and your jokes.

Will you ever know?

You won’t always be there for me,

Nor could I ever expect you to be.

All the cliches run through my head

Lines from old songs* permeate my thoughts.

I was born for dying,

Maybe that’s the only thing I live for.

Pathetic, I am, but I can help it not.

No one cares for me,

Can you prove me wrong?

I can never have you.

Not that you’d want me.

Ever see Scarlet Street?

Sometimes I want you so bad it hurts.

You’ve awakened parts of me long dead, forgotten, and buried.

I can never have you.

I am happy to have whatever you give me of yourself.

I truly care for you, even if platonic we have to remain.

Not that you’d want me.

Not for more than friends.

And that’s perfectly OK.

I enjoy seeing your ‘perfection’.

Thanks for being my friend.

I hope we’re friends for a long time.

I cherish every minute you give me.

Black pants or not.

(I enjoy seeing your perfection, no matter what you’re wearing).

But even if you had no physical beauty,

Your mind is a strong enough drug for me.

The moments we are together are special.

At least to me.

You give so much to other people.

I am happy for what you give to me.

Even if it’s only friendship.

Friendship is good.

Friendship is so fleeting in this world.

I am tired of that.

I can only have torment and death.

I await the sting and victory of death.

I make my own hell.

I made my own hell.

I live for dying.

But tonight you made me live.

Will you ever know?

You won’t read this.

You never login.

*(In My Darkest Hour, Misery Loves Company, Fade To Black, Suicide Solution, and other such apropos dark metal songs)

Some little-known things about yours truly ...

2007-03-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

I generally don't do these things, but here ya go:

1. Can you cook?
Yes, and quite well, I’d like to think. That’s what made me a good catch. I made the corned beef and cabbage for today (as well as for our office St. Patrick’s Day party on Tuesday - everyone commented that mine was ‘the best’). I follow directions and recipes quite well :)

2. What was your dream growing up?
From the fifth grade on, it was to become a Roman Catholic priest. I even went to high school seminary (a prep all-male boarding school) for a couple of years, got scared and joined the Army after I graduated from public high school. I wanted to see the world, and I did, and have, and there’s still so much more to see (possibly Iraq in August - a follow-up to my year in Afghanistan). Other dreams included becoming a major league baseball player (for the Cardinals) or hockey player (Blues) or successful gynecologist (for cheerleaders, tennis stars and gymnasts). OK, maybe I shouldn’t be answering these Guinness-in-hand, Saint Patrick’s Night.

3. What talent do you wish you had?
Focusing my high intelligence into completing something. That, and continuing to advance in my violin studies to become a decent violinist/fiddler.

4. Favorite place?
Frankfurt, Germany. I lived there for a few years. Of course, I say this before having been to Rome or Ireland ... :)

5. Favorite vegetable?
Today, cabbage. I love most vegetables, but sadly don’t eat enough. I even love spinach. I could live off of green bean casserole. And being married to a Filipina means eating all sorts of weird fruits and veggies (and meats... ahem).

6. What was the last book you read?
Mozart’s Letters, Mozart’s Life. I am currently reading Oliver Twist by Dickens.

7. What zodiac sign are you?
Libra. I don’t believe in any of that mumbo jumbo (that’s my Catholicism showing).

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
Used to have 3 holes in my left ear. Contemplated getting nipples pierced. Abandoned that idea for various reasons. I have 4 tattoos - the German flag with a sword through it (and blood dripping off the sword) on my left chest, the Cat In The Hat eating a rat on my right upper arm, a HMMWV with M-16 rifles and a quasi-desert scene on my left upper arm with the words “United States Army - Death Before Dishonor”, and on my back a heart with a lightning bolt and smoke coming from it with the name “Tracey” in the middle ... don’t ask :) The Army tat was a cover up of a joker/jester skull-faced red-eyed evil looking thing rolling the dice. I used to want to be W. Axl Rose or Ozzy when I was younger and living and partying and surviving during the real Metal Years ...

9. Worst Habit?
Biting my nails (although violinists need to keep their left hands’ nails short) or shaking my feet constantly when sitting. Don’t know why, but I always find it kinda sexy when a female has either of those habits. OK, I am a bit strange.

10. Do you personally know anybody on Blog?
The illustrious Ange and the rest of the Pumpkin Shell (Tom, Jack, and Pickles), and Mr. and Mrs. Zilla. Tom and Ange treated me to the World Series (seeing my Cardinals win it all) and I had only been home from Afghanistan a week - an experience I’ll never forget and can probably never repay. I didn’t know them except in cyberspace before blogging (flickring) ... Ange was a great email pal that helped through some times in the ‘stan.

Those I knew before blogging:
None.

Those I met in person BECAUSE of blogging:
See above ... Ange and Zilla.

ALMOST met:
Lori and Becky Boop. I hoped they would meet us all in Kansas City, but we (Pumpkin Shell and the ‘Zillas’) met in Saint Louis instead ...

11. What is your favorite sport?
Played baseball growing up, and ice hockey later on. I love watching those two today. The only sport I actively participate in now is curling. Yes, the Olympic ice sport played by a lot of Canadians (including many Canucks in our club here). http://www.kccurling.com

12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
With the state of the world now, negative. I try to be positive (not necessarily optimistic), especially after a year fighting in the war in Afghanistan and having some friends die. I don’t mind GWB (I don’t think he gets a fair shake), but God, does this country need a man like Ronald Wilson Reagan again.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator lift with someone of the opposite sex?
Probably not much. Sing “Love In An Elevator” by Aerosmith?

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Losing our son Anthony Edward.
Runner-up: Worst AND best thing (in a way), is my recent year-long deployment to fight in the war in Afghanistan.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you:
I apparently have a shoe fetish (according to my wife Alicia). She is Filipina and calls *me* Imelda Marcos. If that’s not weird enough for you, see # 9 above.

16. Do you have any pets?
Yes, 3 gerbils. I am a member of the American Gerbil Society. No joke. http://www.agsgerbils.org

17. Do you know how to do the macarena?
No. Sorry. I am living proof that white men can't dance. And even if I *could* dance, I doubt that the Macarena would be anywhere on my list.

18. Is the sun shining where you are now?
No, it’s 2051 on March 17th as I write this. (That’s 8:51 PM for you civilians) :)

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
John Wayne Gacy ruined clowns for me. Ronald McDonald is just kinda weird looking. I don’t have a fear of clowns (which has been a popular phobia - real or just to sound cool, I don’t know ). I can still hear Father Ron Foshage M.S., yelling “You clown!” in World History class at the afore-alluded-to Saint Henry’s Preparatory Seminary in Belleville, Illinois :) For that reason, the word ‘clown’ always makes me smile.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
Lose the Guinness Gut I have acquired in the last several years.

21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel?
Good. Always good.

22. What color eyes do you have?
Hazel/green. (greenish brown but more green?)

23. Ever been arrested?
Yes. Long story. All charges dropped (no complaining witness). Let’s just say I was drunk on the early hours of December 24th, 1994 in a bar outside of Springfield, Illinois, and my mouth was running. I was also ‘arrested’ (they confiscated my alcohol, anyway) one evening in the early 1990s by some podunk cop from the Nokomis (or was it Pana?) Illinois PD. My gf Tracey was underage and I was over 21 - we were caught in the park after curfew - I also had two other underage girls with me at the time (God, was I a PIMP) ... The picnic table in that park has Tracey’s butt (total silhouette, probably) imprinted into the wood to this day, I’ll bet. (Sorry, I don’t know what that means, exactly ... )

24. Bottle or Draft?
Draught. Draught Guinness (for real, at a bar, on tap, or in the magical award-winning Draught aluminium cans...) No other beer will do, and I accept no substitute.

25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Well, that’s about $19,243. I guess I would deposit it - use it towards a house (we are selling/buying at the moment) ...

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
I haven’t chewed gum regularly since my early 20s, but it used to be Bubble Yum.

27. What's your favorite bar to hang at?
Well, hanging is a bad word, but lately I have been going to the Disabled American Veterans post I belong to - although it’s about 20 miles away (I love cruise control). Sometimes I go to the American Legion or Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW), but the DAV seems to be the veterans organization I choose to be involved with lately ...

28. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes. And demons and other evil things, as well as leprechauns and fairies.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Practice my violin and watch NHL hockey. Get on MySpace. IM with friends. Drink Guinness and hang out at veterans clubs. They’re the only ones who seem to ‘understand’.

30. Do you swear a lot?
Yes, unfortunately, since spending a year in combat. Army life tends to make one cuss. I am trying to re-wean myself from doing that.

31. Biggest pet peeve?
People who don’t remove their hats or pay respect to the flag or national anthem. That’s an insult to those who have made the ultimate sacrifice in defense of those and what they stand for, as well as those of us who have survived wearing the uniform of the armed forces of the USA.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Enigmatic.

33. Was there supposed to be a # 33?

More Questions Stolen From Ange who stole them from CameraDawktor:

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Saint Patrick and Saint Joseph (the original one).

2. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
The family who adopted me already had three older kids (my brother and two sisters). Later in life, I found my biological mom, and she told me she had no other children, so technically yes.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
When I make myself write in a neat way, but who writes long-hand much anymore?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Braunschweiger.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Living, no. Well, possibly, yes.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes. I am the coolest person in my own mind that I know. A legend in my own mind, so to speak.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Is the Pope Catholic?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes, although they were nearly taken out as a pre-teen.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Maybe, if I could strap J.LO under me so a) I could have cheap thrills on the way down, b) she *might* cushion my fall if the damned thing broke, and c) if it did break and I died, I would have a smile on my face although if we came free of each other and I landed face-down, I may be stuck in the earth a little ways :P

I think I over-thought the damned question when a simple yes or no would have sufficed. Damned Guinness.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Hot: Cream of Wheat
Cold: Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch or any shredded wheat.
Nine-Days Old: duh.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Of course.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes. I am not just strong, I am Army Strong... Don’t you just hate the Army’s latest ad campaign? I long for the old “Be All That You Can Be” award-winning campaign that ran for about 20 years. I don’t know if Army Strong is better than the confusing Army Of One, or not. They both kinda S U C K .

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Anything as long as it’s not LITE or SUGAR FREE etc ... I also love sherbet.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Shoes. I think they say alot about a person.

15. RED OR PINK?
Neither, but if I *had* to choose, red. The only red I wear is Saint Louis Cardinal red...

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Dunno. Probably the afore-mentioned Guinness Gut (physically). Other than that, I guess my life-long status as a classic under-achiever.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Some of my friends - not the ones killed in Afghanistan, but some from earlier times in my nomadic, sporadic life.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Not really.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Dark blue Nautica jeans with strategic holes and rips (there when I bought them, new), and kelly green low Chuck Taylors (Converse All-Stars) ...

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
The corned beef and cabbage I made. Oh wait, for dessert I had a Twinkie and a few pieces of Hershey’s Dark Chocolate with Almonds.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
When I started this, I was listening/watching Montreal and Toronto on Hockey Night In Canada (Habs won in a shootout - they are battling each other for a playoff spot), switching back and forth to Saint Louis/Edmonton. Now it’s late in the Blues/Oilers matchup ... LET'S GO BLUES!!!

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Some shade of green.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The smell of freedom - getting off the plane finally back in the USA after fighting in Afghanistan for a year.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Our friend Marissa.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yes. I stole this from Ange. I like her (and her family) very much even though she doesn’t write me anymore or read my blogs. :P

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Hockey, baseball, curling, American football ... Olympics (Winter and Summer) ...

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brown.

28. EYE COLOR?
Hazel/green ... greenish/brown but more green I think.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Anything not touched or ruined by the United States Army. I am seriously like a goat - I’ll eat damned near anything once. I do have my faves (Italian, mostly), though.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
How about a scary happy ending? Although, if you knew what we who have been in Afghanistan call a ‘happy ending’, you may not have asked this question ...

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Napoleon Dynamite for the umpteenth millionth time. Gosh! I was hoping to watch Angela’s Ashes (also for the umpteenth millionth time) tonight, but that ain’t gonna happen.

33. COLOR OF SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING?
Tie-dyed T-shirt with different shades of green ... for Saint Patrick’s Day :)

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
WINTER :) You can only get so undressed in summer and still be uncomfortable (and indecent). In winter, you can always add another layer of clothes :) Many friends say I should have been born in Canada ...

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs. Both for close friends and family. Handshakes are also good.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
This is probably the hardest question on here. How about naming one I don’t like?

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Dunno.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon, and JFK. Oh, and Mary Jo Kopechnie.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
e-army ... www.goarmy.com - Adventure, Education and Training.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Tivo’d Jeopardy from earlier in the day ... I don’t watch much TV, and definitely not as much as I watched before Afghanistan. It’s mostly rubbish.

42. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SOUND?
Anything with a violin / fiddle in it.

43. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Afghanistan or the Philippines. All over Europe.

44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Assembling and disassembling an M-16 in less than a minute? I guess any of the myriad of ‘special’ things United States Army soldiers are trained to do. I am pretty mean with a secret radio teletype set ...

45. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Highland, Illinois, I assume in a home ran by Catholic Charities. Two and a half months early. Weighed 2 pounds 4 ounces. My birth mother described me as ‘rather miserable looking’. Most people still describe me this way today.

46. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Doesn’t matter to me. I don’t normally do these things myself, but if any of my cyber-friends answer these, I assume they’ll post them in their own cyber haunts.

50,000 More Like This Afghan Hero, And We Could All Come Home (at least from Afghanistan) ...

2007-03-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

The Afghan guard who stops suicide bombers

By Mark Sappenfield, Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor
Thu Mar 8, 3:00 AM ET

There is trouble outside Camp Phoenix. The American base on the dusty outskirts of Kabul has called for English translators. The problem is, the Americans have now hired their translator, and a crowd of Afghan job hunters at the camp gate is getting unruly.

The US soldiers are nervous. One yells obscenities and waves his gun. The crowd cowers but doesn't budge. Then, another soldier steps forward, armed only with a thick wooden staff, wrapped in peeling red tape.

The name tag on his broad chest says "Rambo," and though he wears US Army fatigues, he speaks in perfect Dari, ordering the crowd to leave. It reluctantly disperses.

This is a normal day for Rambo, an Afghan who has stood guard here for more than four years, pledging his life to the American soldiers that rid his land of the Taliban. But on Jan. 16, Rambo's gatekeeping made him a bona fide hero.

On that day, Rambo wrenched open the driver's side door of a moving car and wrestled a suicide bomber into submission before he could detonate his explosives. President Bush lauded him in a nationally televised speech several weeks ago, and before that, slightly exaggerated accounts of his feat circled through cyberspace, pleading for America to offer him citizenship or at least a medal.

Dutiful: Four days off in four years

On this gray day, amid the intermittent raindrops of a coming storm, Rambo seems somewhat weary of the story, asking a lieutenant whether he really needs to tell it again. So far as he is concerned, his only job is to protect those American soldiers at the gate. It is why he has taken only four days off in more than four years, even working Fridays, though that is the Muslim day of rest.

But the lieutenant kindly requests Rambo's patience. To Rambo, that is an order. "If you want me to do it, I will do it," he tells her with martial deference.

In fairness, his story is not just about the day he stopped a suicide bomber, when the steel of his resolve to protect American troops became so apparent to all who did not know him. To those who do, who gave him the "Rambo" nickname, the name tag, and the stick, his devotion was already evident.

At every corner of Camp Phoenix, Rambo stops to salute American officers. Soldiers heading out on patrol call out his name as if he were a fraternity brother. He is unquestionably one of them, because he is so willing to make the same sacrifice that they, too, have been called upon to make.

Yet he is also unquestionably Afghan, and never more so than when he smothered his countryman and would-be martyr at the front gate. To Rambo, whose name has been withheld for his protection, what happened that day was a matter of pride – a personal pride that burns deeper than love of country, or family, or faith.

"I made a promise to every American soldier," he says in grave tones. "Even if there is only one American soldier, I will be here to protect him."

Amid Camp Phoenix's soil-filled blast walls and bristling guard towers, designed to keep soldiers separate from the unsettled Afghanistan beyond, Rambo is a living lesson in the character of his country, where friends pledge their lives to defend you and enemies never rest until you have been destroyed.

On a clear, chilly Tuesday in mid- January, those two perceptions of the American presence here collided.

How he spotted the suicide bomber

Having spoken for five loving minutes about his well-worn red stick and its many uses in crowd control, the black-bearded Rambo is at last primed to talk about his legendary feat, his dark eyes bright with enthusiasm. He sits on a cold, wooden picnic bench in the Camp Phoenix compound, immune to the freezing rain, his rough and blackened hands working frantically to depict the scene.

When the driver of an off-white sedan did not brake as he approached the gate, Rambo sensed danger. He ran to the door, flung it open, and saw two buttons by the gearshift, each with a wire running to a gas tank that filled the entire back seat.

Before the terrorist could reach the buttons, Rambo seized his hands, and a Security Forces soldier arrived to help. In an instant, it was over.

Later in the day, the car exploded when a demolition team failed to disarm it, but no one was injured.

Before and since the event, Rambo has gotten recognition for his role at Camp Phoenix. In his dark and low-ceilinged room – a nestlike clutter of boxes and badges and potato-chip bags – Rambo displays a letter from the former commander of NATO. There is a framed commendation that bears both the US and Afghan flags, as well as a jumble of military coins given for his service.

In another corner, he uncovers a pile of letters from American soldiers, their wives, and their mothers – one with a lipstick-stained kiss of gratitude. These are his treasures. The thanks he has always received for his service makes his monastic existence worthwhile. Even before Jan. 16, he stayed here from before dawn until after dusk. Now, he lives on the base full time. In fact, he has not been home for three months.

He bears the security measures joyfully. And he doesn't heed the Afghans who roll down their windows and shout obscenities at him as they pass. "I don't care what they say," he says. "I will protect my friends."

Yes, he says, the Americans are here to help hold his country together as it attempts to heal after three decades of misrule and civil war. But more than that, he loves Americans because they have treated him with respect.

"They are good and they have strong hearts," he says.

They have given him this uniform, which is frayed at the cuffs from constant use. They have created a "Rambo fund" to help him get a TV, and have helped two of his sons get jobs. On his shoulder he proudly wears the patches of every unit that has come through Camp Phoenix – each vying for the esteemed piece of real estate that is Rambo's uniform.

"When you think of Camp Phoenix, you think of Rambo," says 1st Lt. John Stephens of 1-180th Infantry Battalion, who is in the midst of his second tour here. "He's the rock of Camp Phoenix."

Taliban rocket killed his wife and child

Rambo's journey to the American side of the war is a simple one. During the days of the Taliban, his wife and one of his children were killed when a rocket crashed into their home. It was not intentional, he says, but it was indicative of the lives ruined by Taliban rule. Moreover, as a member of the Army during a former government, he felt unsafe and eventually fled to Pakistan for refuge.

The fall of the Taliban in 2001 brought him back to Kabul, where he resumed an old job as a truck driver and security guard at a transportation company. When Camp Phoenix commandeered the building used by the transportation company in 2003, Rambo stayed on as a security guard for the new installation. He has been here ever since, and he has been "Rambo" for almost as long.

His handle was the suggestion of a woman who was here during the early days of Camp Phoenix. "I liked Rambo even from before," he says, betraying no knowledge of anyone named Sylvester Stallone, as if Rambo and the actor are synonymous. "Sometimes he is in a movie where he is wild, and sometimes he has a necktie and is very respectable."

Which Rambo is he? "It depends," he says with a smile. "If a polite man comes, I will be a Rambo who is polite and gentle. But if it is Al Qaeda, I will be the wild Rambo."

Soldiers here will vouch for that, telling of instances where Rambo pulled people out of car windows. Back during Communist times, when he was a tank commander, Rambo says that he cut all the medals off the uniform of a superior officer when the officer (falsely, he insists) accused him of not fixing a tank correctly.

Today, he returns to the gate, huddling beside a fire in an old oil drum along with his American colleagues. They are his responsibility, he says, and he is determined not to forsake that trust.

"I don't want to be blamed," he says. "I promised these people a lot. Dying is better than to be blamed."

My words: As I sit and contemplate a possible re-deployment in August (to Iraq this time and not Afghanistan), I can only hope and pray for a peaceful and secure Afghanistan and Iraq. Much of these two countries are peaceful (maybe not secure, by Western standards), and there are many good and great people in those two war-torn countries who not only want us there, but that want us to SUCCEED there. Unfortunately, the same can't be said of those in many coalition countries who spout the tired old mantra about 'supporting the troops but not the war(s)'. Only traitors want to see their own military fail while on a mission. Leave the politics to the politicos and the actual war to the generals and NCOs. It's too late to be 'against the war(s)' . We are there. Face it. Support the troops and allow us to win - much of the problem is the liberal media ties our hands on how to conduct the war. All the ridiculous criteria for the rules of engagement. You almost have to see the combatant's terrorist ID card before engaging your weapon. The media expects us to follow the Geneva Convention and rules of war against an enemy who has signed or respects neither. Yes, I know we can't be trigger-happy and we as Americans (and coalition forces) have to set a higher standard than our barbaric adversaries. But a little more leeway would be nice. Maybe we'd have a chance to win. If the media outcry over the non-abuse at Abu Ghraib and Gitmo is any indication, we (the military) will NEVER be allowed to conduct any war in the manner wars are supposed to be ... I'm sorry, but panties on the head isn't abuse or torture. Humiliation, maybe. If those tactics save innocent lives from terror, I say the Defense Department's newest contractor should be Victoria's Secret. At least our prisoners had heads attached on which to place panties when we were through with them ...

We lost over 350 troops a DAY in World War II - and Germany never attacked us. It's looking like there was a conspiracy (I generally don't believe in those things) to allow Japan to attack us so we would enter the second world war. I just bring this up, not to cheapen ANY of my fellow soldiers' loss of life, but to point out that we lost more in 10 DAYS of fighting in WWII than we have lost in 6 years in the current global war on terror (mostly in Iraq, of course). A lot of the world would be speaking German and Japanese (and maybe some Italian) had we not intervened. We saved the world from terrorism and thuggery then, and we are trying to do it now.

And of course, thank God, there's been no major terrorist attack on US soil since 9/11. It's better to fight there than here.

Support the troops? Let us be the troops we are trained to be, and WIN. Americans hate to lose. Just watch the Olympics or any such truly international sporting competition. Should the war on terror be any different?

Barack "Osama Hussein" Obama, Kerry and Billary - Don‘t Let Them Fool You ...

2007-02-16T08:54:00.000-08:00

I have long thought that it was a double standard for people (primarily liberals - be they Democrat, Republican, or Independent) to say that they "support the troops but oppose the war".

Hypocrisy at its most subtle. Insidious, as it does undermine troop morale. I always liken it to saying that you are a Saint Louis Cardinals fan (for example), but hope they don‘t win any games - and don‘t even particularly care for the game of baseball itself.

Now, we have such leftist luminaries as John Kerry who says you must be a moron if they send you to Iraq - he said something along the lines of if you don‘t stay in school and become educated (indoctrinated - but that‘s another topic for another time), you‘ll be sent to Iraq. I must be OK, as I‘ve only been to Afghanistan at this point. In fact, at the time of the remark ("joke" according to Kerry), I "joked" with my friends that he wasn‘t referring to me or any others who have served in the ‘stan. We must be smart :)

The most recent clown to make a disgusting remark was Barack Hussein "Osama" Obama. He said lives lost in the war in Iraq were for nothing - cheapening the ultimate sacrifice that countless of my comrades (brothers and sisters in arms) have made since this country was founded and forged in blood. And this political neophtye dares to run for the position of Commander-in-Chief? God help us if this buffoon wins. Here's what he said, exactly, in case you wanna know:
The Illinois senator told a crowd in Iowa: "We now have spent $400 billion and have seen over 3,000 lives of the bravest young Americans wasted."

What would be wasted is your vote if you vote for this fraud.

Hilary Rodham Klinton is another dandy one - her and her ‘husband‘ Bill have made no secret of their disdain and loathing of the military. Bill would rather get blow jobs under the desk in the Oral Office rather than do anything about Osama Bin Laden, the first World Trade Center bombing, U.S. Embassy bombings overseas, and the attack on the U.S.S. Cole (where several brave sailors lost their lives).

I did get a phone call from one of those conservative PACs last week. They did have the funniest 'poll' question ever. The girl, who had a sexy voice, also assured me this was the only question she would ask: "Did you get a sinking, twisted feeling in the pit of your stomach last week when Hilary Klinton decided to throw her hat into the presidential ring?" I busted up laughing and choked out an 'of course!' I didn't give any money to these people (they were promoting Dick Morris's book on the Clintons if you gave a certain amount). It was too early in the presidential race, I told her. (I also wasn't happy that it was 2045 - almost 2100 when she called - only friends and family should call that late, really). The question really was funny, though, although Bilary running for president, unfortunately, is not.

Now, I am not just another lock-step Republican - I am a conservative and a patriot-with-a-brain. Granted, I can count the number of Dems I have voted for in my life on one hand (they were pro-life and were running unopposed in the local elections - I did vote for Dukakis in 1988 - but don‘t tell anyone) :)

I am just putting this out there so hopefully some who planned on voting for any of these imbeciles will think twice before they weaken our Defense Department, and therefore, our beloved United States of America - which is still (thank GOD) not spelled like this: AMERIKA....

It doesn't help that the politicos (on both sides) and the media don't let us do our job in the war. They micromanage and make us conform to the 'rules of engagement' (terrorists don't follow that, just like they don't follow the Geneva Convention - which they didn't sign anyway). As I've said before, at least the prisoners we take still have heads on them when we are through with them. Don't get me started on the purported 'abuses' at Abu Ghraib and Gitmo.

Anyway, there has been countless other gaffes from liberals of every stripe - too many to be recounted here. Don‘t let those libs or the biased main-stream liberal media explain it away as a joke or a ‘mis-speak‘ - these people are professional speakers and are doing just that - speaking their minds. They didn‘t mis-speak at all - they are just letting us know what they really think, and what a lot of people out there really think. They don‘t support the troops and they never have. I can‘t tell you what this did to my morale and psyche during my recent year-long vacation in Afghanistan. Don‘t be fooled. I‘m not.

Afghanistan is MORE DANGEROUS than Iraq - and other things the Government doesn't want YOU to know

2006-12-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

As most of my friends know, I've been back a couple of months now. A couple of months after spending 12 months (including last Christmas, etc.) fighting in the war on Terror in Afghanistan.

Also, as most of my close friends know, I am a conservative guy - politically, religiously, socially and fiscally (with a few exceptions). I have no use for most of the Left. Sure, I have many liberal friends (in 'real life' and online) - they know how I am and still love me anyway :)

That being said, I am infuriated by the Government covering up the danger of Afghanistan and the casualties. On September 8th, as some people remember, I lost two friends and fellow soldiers in a VBIED in Kabul, Afghanistan. I was particularly close with one of the individuals - SSG Ron Paul. There's been many killed in Afghanistan before and since - such as PFC Alex Oceguera, who gave the ultimate sacrifice for all of us on Halloween. I want to make sure that people like Ron and Alex are never forgotten, even if the war is. To that end, I wear a titanium bracelet with SSG Paul and SFC Howard's name, unit, and place of being KIA. I've met some of Alex's family and friends on MySpace - I hope to be able to do more someday to help preserve his memory, too. These people aren't just statistics to bandy about as political footballs - they were real people - loving, caring, breathing humans - just like us. They deserve to be remembered. They deserve to be honored. They deserve to live on through us.

OK, what am I on about? A lot of this comes from reading this interview, published online yesterday:

http://www.motherjones.com/interview/2006/12/scavetta.html

Now, most of the stuff on this site is typical leftist whining and complaining and bitching. I came across this article while searching for stuff on Mehtar Lam - the place I spent 5 of the 12 months in Afghanistan. This interview not only re-affirms my solid belief that Afghanistan is more dangerous than Iraq, it confirms it. We just don't have the number of troops there that we do in Iraq, but ratio-wise your chance of death IS higher in Afghanistan as a U.S. service member. They bury Afghanistan on the back pages of the newspaper, and as this interview points out, delays giving out the details on each casualty until the news cycle is over:

"It's a public relations tactic. A news cycle lasts 48 to 72 hours. Say Johnny Smith from New Haven, Conn., is in Kunar Province where his American infantry battalion is operating. He's in a fight with local insurgents .. not Osama bin Laden, maybe some foreign fighters, but mostly local. Johnny Smith dies in combat. Within 24 hours there's a news release that comes out of this island we call Kabul that says a coalition soldier was killed in Afghanistan today. We're not going to give out his name because we're going to say, "The next of kin have to be notified." We're not going to give out his nationality because we're all part of this quote "coalition."

But here's the sad fact: 99.99 % of coalition forces in Kunar are in fact American. So now in the news .. NBC news, national news, wire services .. the only thing that's released is that a "coalition" soldier was killed in Afghanistan today.

And 72 hours later when the DOD finally releases Private Johnny Smith's name, the New Haven Register and Channel 8 will pick up the memorial service and how sad Johnny's family is. But in San Francisco, they never hear about it. In Minnesota, they never hear about it. In Florida, they never hear about it. It's a very clever public affairs strategy. Now we have NATO in Afghanistan, so it's, "A NATO soldier died."

This interview also touches on how our presence in Afghanistan is marketed as searching for Osama bin Laden. He's right - OBL was never mentioned in any of the remote locations I served in while there. I did hear about al Qaeda, Hezb-al-Islami etc.

I have to admit that before I set foot in Afghanistan, I thought these things about Afghanistan:

It's part of the Middle East - the same as Iraq - nothing but desert.
We are there to try and flush out Osama bin Laden.

These two things turned out to be far from the truth. Yes, there is a desert in Afghanistan - in the west and by Kandahar. I never saw it. I spent my time in the east and northeast - mountainous desert. No sand though - 'mountainous desert' refers more to the terrain - and not 'desert' in the Iraq/Middle Eastern sense. We had 4 seasons. We had a bitterly cold winter in Gardez (my first 7 months were spent there), with snow, blizzards, and below zero temperatures at times.

Like I said before, OBL was never mentioned, except in jokes. But everyone before I left for Afghanistan and since I've been back has made a comment/question or two concerning OBL and his whereabouts.

The delaying of the KIA person or person's details makes sense to me now. Whenever there was a 'coalition' death, all our comms to anywhere outside of Afghanistan was halted at least 24-48 hours, sometimes longer. Is this really out of respect for the family? Methinks it *does* have a lot to do with delaying the release to the media in the USA and elsewhere. Sadly, it is true - one just hears that 'a coalition soldier was killed today' - then you don't hear a thing except maybe in the locale where the casualty was from a few days later.

Afghanistan is truly 'the Forgotten War' - just like Korea in the 1950s. In this age in which we live, where communication is instant and reliable, it's a shame it is this way. People here since I've been back often mis-speak and say to others "Patrick here just got back from IRAQ". VA doctors and counselors that I am seeing for PTSD often say "Iraq" rather than "Afghanistan", even though I've met with some of them a couple of times each already. Even the VA clinic name for the newest veterans is called the "OIF" clinic. It's OEF for Afghanstan. OIF = Operation Iraqi Freedom. OEF = Operation Enduring Freedom. "There's just too few of you Afghan vets out there", they say.

I guess I should have realized how unimportant we were (even to the Army) when we were training at Fort Carson, Colorado (Colorado Springs). 99.9% of our training was geared towards Iraq. The only Afghanistan-specific training our group recieved was the Afghan women who gave us a few culture and language lessons. Only one of the cadre (trainers) had ever been in Afghanistan. We asked why we were getting Iraq-centered training, and the response was "The Army hasn't developed training specifically for groups going there yet." Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over? We (the USA) went to Afghanistan in October of 2001, right after 9/11 ... nearly two years before we went into Iraq.

Sorry - I digressed a bit.

People just don't want to be reminded that those who have decided to risk their lives for this cause are dying in the poppy fields, mountains and roads of Afghanistan. People seem to *want* to be reminded about Iraq - the big political football. They like to use it to deride President Bush and his administration. (See: Cindy Sheehan, Al Franken, et al) There's so many differing accounts and stories about Iraq it's hard to know what's true and what's political spinning (from both sides). It doesn't help that the US mainstream media makes no secret of it's disdain for the president and the Republican Party (or conservatism in general). Reporters who go there rarely leave the safe zones or see what the war there is really like.

Since I haven't (yet) been to Iraq, I really cannot speak to what the situation is there - (except to quote statistics - which show Afghanistan to be more dangerous). I can speak about Afghanistan. Is anybody listening?

(What I've been up to since being home will have to wait for another time, if anyone's interested).

Some little known things about the Afghan people...

2006-09-26T13:03:00.001-07:00

*I didn't write this - my friend 'Afghan Princess' sent this to me - she didn't write it either.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=97188083

I don't agree with some of it, and it's not the most well-written thing I've ever seen, but I thought it might be of interest to some people...

*** " THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN TALKING TO AN AFGHAN " ***
1. We do NOT know Osama personally!!!! Because of him our BEAUTIFUL mountains were bombed into hills!!! Just imagine Switzerlands mountains would be bombed into hills!! A Tragedy!Just because he was hiding in Afghanistan does not make Afghans terrorists just like you wouldn't be called a bankrobber if some Swedish bankrobber sneaks into your cellar to hide and invite his Swedish friends to the cellar to teach them how to rob banks. Is this analogy logical enough for you?
2. Osama Bin Ladin IS NOT AFGHAN!!!!!! He is an Arab.
3. I'm sorry to dissapoint you but over 99,999999 percent of Afghans do not qualify as: Terrorist, part of the Taliban(mostly men from Pakistan and Arabian countries), part of the Mujahideen, or part of the Northern Alliance.There was NO Afghan man involved in any of the terrorist attacks or any terrorist actions, not one single person with an afghan nationality or afghan roots was sitting in any terrorist plane or was bombing any western country.Afghanistan is a country in Central Asia and far away from Arabian Middle Eastern Countries.
4. Afghans are called AFGHAN not afghani or afghanistani,afghanistanian,afghaninanian or afghanistanmarsian !"Afghani" is our currency , i'm not calling you Dollar either , right?
5. All Afghans LOVE their country...and when I say love, I don't mean patriotism....I mean deep heartfelt passionate love...the kind of love that makes you want to kiss Afghan soil and cry for Afghanistan and die for Afghanistan...Afghans love for Afghanistan goes WAY deep.
6. Afghans have their OWN language!!Pashto and Dari are the official languages of Afghanistan. Dari has always been used for business and government transactions.Both belong to the Indo-European group of languages.(Dari is similar to the iranian Farsi , Pashto is a unique language)
7. Simply to be CORRECT Afghans / Pashtuns do fall under the White racial group. Historians trace the origin of the country Afghanistan into remote prehistory, referring to it as ancient Aryana , Land of The Aryan .Technically we may be Asian ( Afghanistan is called "The Heart of Asia" ) , but we fall under the white category.If you don't believe it:every country including the United states of America officially stated that Afghans/Pashtuns are considered white/caucasian(<-thats what we correctly mark on legal documents ;). Don't get me wrong because racism is a horrible disease and of course EVERYONE lovable no matter what ethnicity, race , religion , nationality , mentality etc. is loved.Afghans are one of the original White people to populate the planet and that does NOT mean that we would be european because anthropologically we are the ORIGINAL Aryans , that's just a fact and doesn't mean any ethnicity would be any superiour or anything in that wrong direction.It's just very sad that some Europeans used this catchy word Aryan and used it to kill other people.If you say"Aryans have blue eyes and blonde eyes or they are basically European" that's just wrong because Aryans refer to people who lived thousands of years ago,in today's Afghanistan.Ethnicity isn't about what colour your skin has.For example africans have different bone structure,asians have different eye and body features as well.You can even differentiate a persons ethnicity by looking at the bones after their death to identify them. Afghans/Pashtuns fall into the White/Caucasian category most simply because of our built/makeup etc.(...some might now ask.. and why all that when we're all equal anyway?? well you're right and just let me say it even more simplistic : "If you gotta label your ish you might as well label it correctly ! " )
8. Afghans are not persian durrana either , because persians are from Iran and yes that's another country and not part of Afghanistan. Yes India is another country too.
9. Afghans don't take negative opinions about their country well...be it an insult or constructive criticism.....say it to our face, and...well don't say it to our face...or behind our backs for that matter...believe me we Afghans stick up for our country. Don't blame a lot of people for not wanting anyone else /soldiers/ troops in their business . Especially when they've had bad experiences before.If you have a fight at home with your wife or a neighbour would you want some complete stranger who doesn't even speak your language to get unasked into your business and move into your bedroom for the next years acting like a superhero?Wouldn't you be afraid?I could also use this comparison:imagine there's is a civil war in Texas and the Chinese Government would say they send troops to help Texas not even knowing anything about Texas,not knowing any of the mentality,not even speaking english.And since most governments are not quite as selfless as Mother Theresa the question is ..Why?.. What's in it for them?)
10. Afghanistan is located in South Central Asia. Afghans are NOT Middle Eastern.In terms that you geography retarded people might understand: Afghanistan is above Pakistan (which is above India) and to the left of the outskirts of China (please tell me you know where that is) and is right of Iran (which is the outskirts of the Middle East) and south of Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Tajikistan (just think of it as south of Russia)...Simple enough for you?
11. There is no stereotypical Afghan outer appearance. We have brown, black, blonde and red hair. We range from white white skin to dark South Asian skin... We have brown , blue , black , grey , hazel and green eyes. Basically, there is no way you can rule someone out as not being Afghan...we are a diverse peoples .
12. Islam is the main religion of Afghanistan but not the only one. Most Afghans are very traditional in their way of thinking but more moderate when it comes to religion . Also you can not judge a religion only based on some male extremist fundamental fools and psychos who drag their noble loving religion in the dirt by making up LIES about it.and REMEMBER: before you ask if I have to wear a burka or a scarf on my head....LOOK...it will save you the trouble of dealing with a scary look on my face and me forming a fist. Same goes for asking guys about beards and stuff.We believe that the God we pray to is the same as the God all other monotheistic religions like Jews and Christians pray to(Monotheism means the worship of the One God.)Let me explain it to you this way.. assume you're Christian and you move to Italy and their word for God is translated "Dio" that doesn't mean it is a different God does it??same as the word "Allah" or as Afghans say "Chodda".And again it is just sad that some use this language barrier to create false enemies.
13. Here is the Afghan philosophy about men and women: Women are like flowers and men, well, they are the dirt that surrounds a flower (summed up by some Afghan poem I can't remember). Women are beautiful, fragile, a gift from God....They must be carefully watched over because just like a flower, they will dry up from too much exposure....Men are strong, sturdy, and they are the caregivers...they provide nourishment and a home for the women...It's really complex, but just understand that women are not oppressed in our culture; they are revered and highly admired. Men are not superior or oppressive; they are respected and appreciated!
14. Afghans have sadly experienced life the hard way for more then the last quarter century of going through different wars.....many many of them have seen family members be murdered in front of their eyes ..have seen family members being raped(don't you think there is a reason they even tried to hide women under something ridiculous like a burka?if there would be the chance of getting raped by various foreign soldiers/invaders any minute would you still run around in your sexy miniskirt or let your sister or other loved ones run around like that?THINK ABOUT IT,ok?..)..have been innocently imprisioned and tortured...have fled their treasured country by foot hundreds of miles just to save their children... have held, and even shoot a bazooka,none the less a gun..they have lost family treasures..they have lost the respect of others....they have been through A LOT.Just imagine for a minute how you and your close family would feel like going through horrible things like that and how your hometown would look like after being constantly attacked.So Next time you see Afghanistan on TV/ News..remember this is what you see ....a country and population exploited and traumatized by war for many many years.
15. Afghans are tough.....I mean seriously.....Our national sport consists of men on horses racing around with whips to attack the opposing team and using a 60 lb dead goat as a ball. Deaths..common..... injuries....unavoidable..... HAHA and you thought Rugby was bad..
16.Afghans are some of the most hospitable people in the world...they love guests like they love family.... and the way they love family is beyond imagination . It's really very sweet .Invite yourself to ANY afghan family , even if you don't know them , to dinner and you'll be welcomed with open arms and you'll experience what being treated like a honored guest is like.
17.Afghans know how to party....and I don't mean "get drunk and though you don't remember what you did you know you had fun" kind of party...I mean the kind of good clean fun you didn't even know existed....endless tea, endless food...dancing, singing, playing instruments, telling stories, telling jokes, kids running all over the place while movies and music playing in the background, neighbours complaining about the noise, the aroma of afghan food in the air , old and young all together....laughing,smiling,hugging....endless fun until the break of dawn...literally
18. Afghans rock . Period :)

So. You are against 'the War'. Great. What War?

2006-09-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

Seems like a lot of people in the USA and Canada are against 'the War'. They blithely make these comments without really taking the time to realize that 'the War' is being fought on many different fronts in different countries, with many different methods, and with many different motives, means, and objectives.

I am in Afghanistan. There are also people fighting in Iraq. Afghanistan is not near Iraq. It is next to Iran, and also borders several other countries, including China and Pakistan.

First, some brief background might be in order. We (USA and the Coalition Forces from many, many nations) have been here the longest. We came here very soon after 9/11 after it was thought that Osama bin Laden was hiding out here. He is probably in the general vicinity - if not here, then Pakistan. He is the main reason we first came here. Finding him is definitely the main reason that the people of the world were given to justify our presence and continued presence here. We are still fighting his al Qaeda terrorist group (both here and in Iraq), as well as the Taliban, and Hezb-i-islami groups, and other assorted scumbags. We are also helping to rebuild Afghanistan, largely through Coalition military Provincial Reconstruction Teams (PRTs), government agencies (USAID, USDA, USDOS, etc.), and NGOs (non-governmental organizations).

What did you, dear reader, think we were doing here? Why did we come to Afghanistan? Why are we still in Afghanistan? Is it the same as Iraq? Are you against us here in Afghanistan when you say you are against 'the War'? Do you even think of Afghanistan when you even say the words 'the War'?

It seems we are the 'Korean War' of the new millenium. Historians call that conflict 'the Forgotten War'. My dad's brother - my Uncle Charles - gave his young life as a Marine there. I think we are largely forgotten in Afghanistan, or are unfortunately lumped in with the war in Iraq. Granted, the whole shebang is being marketed as the 'Global War On Terror', so it can get a bit confusing.

Do I like being here? Do I like losing my buddies and fellow soldiers at the hands of these animals? I hate war in general - and death, destruction, and violence - but the jihadists and Muslim extremists do not. Their eradication alone will bring world peace. Their version of their religion teaches them to hate us (Westerners, and all non-Muslims). The evil mullahs teach that we are not human if we aren't Muslim, like them. We are nothing but animals fit for slaughter in the most inhumane ways if we do not convert to Islam.

People decry the purported 'abuse' at Abu Graib prison - but at least the enemy that we take as prisoners still have their heads attached when we are through with them. I have a photo in my desk at the VA of an Iraqi prisoner being 'abused'. The caption reads: "If wiring the scrotum of one Iraqi prisoner to a battery terminal will save one American life, all I have to say is.... Red is positive and Black is negative." A lot of the outrage over Abu Graib in the West was fueled (surprise) by the leftist mainstream media who hated President Bush before 9/11. President Bush and by default anything associated with him (including the military) are demonized, vilified, ridiculed and disdained. He can do no right, even when he does do the right thing.

Our enemies don't follow laws, and rules, and the Geneva Convention. They don't give a shit about any civilized, modern laws of warfare. They don't give a rat's ass whether you march for peace, have a sign in your yard, attend a protest, light a candle, burn the US flag, or hate our commander-in-chief. Doing these things certainly affects our morale, though. (By 'our' I mean the military. We soldiers fighting the battle on the ground).

The terrorists certainly won't change their minds overnight, that's for sure. They have thought this way for centuries - it was their jihad on the West that brought about the response from Rome and predominantly Roman Catholic Europe called the Crusades. But we are trying to change all that by 'winning hearts and minds' here, and elsewhere in the Islamic lands. I, and many soldiers, deplore war and violence, as I noted above. I really wish I was out of a job (my Army one, anyway). Maybe our great-grandchildren will live in peace - but my wish is for that to come about much sooner rather than later....

If wishes were horses, then fools would ride. I'll keep wishing until the horses come home ...

I Don't Really Know What To Call These ... Surveys?

2006-09-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

These are two 'Memes' given to me by my friend Ange (Life In The Pumpkin Shell). She sorta tagged me in one of her comment boxes, so I guess I'll play along. I do not know what a'Meme' is, really, other than a list of things that you have to answer (a survey, if you will). Apparently, people on here tag each other with them as sort of a game they play. It's all good. I didn't stick to just one book on some of these... And I think I only had to do one, but I did both, anyway. Here's mine:

1) A book that changed my life: Liturgical Shipwreck, by the late Michael Davies. He’s written many books, and this one is more of pamphlet, really. Much less than 100 pages. I read it once and decided that Traditional Roman Catholicism was for me. Latin Tridentine Mass …. Incense, Gregorian Chant, the whole nine yards. Mel Gibson and his father are with us, as well as a man I used to work for (on one of his campaigns), Patrick J. Buchanan.

2) A book that I've read more than once: The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy (but also including The Hobbit), by J.R.R. Tolkien. I have to admit that the subsequent times were inspired by the movies coming out. Also, believe it or not, The Thorn Birds, by Colleen McCullough…

3) A book I'd take to a deserted island: The Special Forces Survival Manual. And maybe The Joy Of Sex (For One). The Complete Works Of William Shakepeare might be good, too.

4) A book that made me laugh: I hate to cop out on this one, but anything by Dave Barry. Also, The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, by Douglas Adams. Read it many, many years ago and I remember it being hysterical. Tried to watch the movie once. It seemed to be one of those movies you have to be on drugs to enjoy. Maybe if I re-read it today, it wouldn’t be so funny.

5) A book that made me cry (or scared me to death): It was a book on the infiltration of the Roman Catholic priesthood and hierarchy by communists, freemasons and homosexuals, in order to bring the Church to her knees. Can’t recall the title off-hand. There was also a book about the life and supposed murder of Pope John Paul I (the September Pope) that was pretty scary. Powerful interests moved against him to effect his ‘accidental’ death after only 20-some odd days in office.

6) A book I wish I’d written: The Godfather … or is this asking for some clever fictitional title that my clever fictitional mind would create?

7) A book that should never have been written: The Communist Manifesto, Mein Kampf, My Lies (by Bill Klinton).

8) A book I'm currently reading: Mozart’s Letters, Mozart’s Life, by Robert Spaethling. Great translation showing sides of Wolfie that are incredible. His genius extended far beyond his musical abilities and composing skills. Like Steve Irwin, Flannery O’Connor, and Elvis Presley, the world lost him far too early. This book is a fascinating glimpse into his life that the great movie Amadeus* could not and did not show. It also shows how powerful of an influence his father Leopold had on him.
*There were several inaccuracies in that multi-Oscar winning film. (WHAT? Hollyweird taking liberties with the truth? I don’t believe it!) It’s still one of my favorite movies ever, though.

9) A book I’m planning to read: The Complete Works of Flannery O’Connor. Actually, it’d be a partial re-read. I enjoyed her works in college, and never finished reading her complete works. She injects a certain distinctive view of pre-Vatican II Catholicism (my particular brand), growing up in the mainly Protestant anti-Catholic South. Her writing style touched me in ways that few have – I liken Ange’s (Life In The Pumpkin Shell) fabulous writing to hers, even though the two write/wrote about mostly different subjects. While looking her up for this, I didn’t realize she lived near Ridgefield, CT, for a couple of years. I also lived there, very briefly. Flannery described herself as a "pigeon-toed only child with a receding chin and a you-leave-me-alone-or-I'll-bite-you complex." As a child she was in the local newspapers when she taught a chicken that she owned to walk backwards. She said, "That was the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. It's all been downhill from there." She lived a fascinating but all-too brief life – she left us due to hereditary lupus at age 39 in 1964. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flannery_O'Connor

10) Who I'm tagging next: No one.

1… Things that scare me
• Being a failure in life
• Being forgotten
• Eternal damnation
• Meeting people for the first time – I worry that my first impression isn’t the best impression – I can be rather shy and reserved at first.
• War and terrorism.

2…People who make/made me laugh
• Ange (Life In The Pumpkin Shell)
• Dave Barry
• Charles M. Schulz
• The Three Stooges
• Benny Hill. Two words: COMIC GENIUS. ‘nuff said…
• The Red Green Show
• Many of my friends and family.

3…Things I hate the most
• Hypocrites.
• Hate is such a strong word. How about dislike? I guess I hate the word hate.
• Whiners and complainers.
• Never seeming to complete anything I start.
• Can I come back to this one later?
• Not having enough time to do all of the things I’d like to be doing.
• War.
• When great people are taken from us too soon.
• When people judge. I know people automatically do, based on certain criteria or factors – it’s human nature – but often times we miss out by not being friends with someone who is different. Sometimes people who claim to be tolerant, really aren’t.

4…Things I don’t understand
• Politics.
• How the rich and powerful, regardless of political persuasion, control our lives. Freemasonry and the Illuminati and some of those conspiracy theories are awful intriguing.
• Myself.
• Women.
• Anything.

5…Things I’m doing right now
• Laying on a bunk in a plywood hooch in Bagram, Afghanistan.
• Putting off going to the latrine and getting ready to meet a girl at Country Music night.
• Talking to a friend in KCMO on IM (Jenna).
• ‘Chewing’ a Skoal wintergreen pouch.
• Digesting evening chow.
• Shaking my foot. (Nervous habit)
• Being part of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.

6…Things I want to do before I die
• Travel more and more – Ireland, Vatican City (Rome), and more of Canada are on the top of my list. Mexico and Latin/South America would be nice, too.
• Have a beer or several with Ange and Tom and Ryan and whoever else wants to join us.
• Have a beer or several with some old friends from the 143rd Signal Battalion (3rd Armored Division, Frankfurt, Germany).
• Have a successful marriage, and raise some kids, if it’s God’s will.
• Retire to Germany, maybe.

7… Things I can do
• A myriad of things that United States Army Soldiers are expected to do: march, clean toilets, do KP, guard duty, first aid, use multiple personal and crew-served weapons systems, follow lawful orders, spit shine black leather boots to look like glass.
• Play and read music – I am learning the violin, my newest passion in life that was interrupted by going to Afghanistan. I grew up playing piano and trumpet, plus dabbled briefly with a Fender Stratocaster I bought while stationed in Germany.
• Curl. Like curling. The oh-so-Canadian-sport-invented-by-Scots. The Roaring Game. I am a member of USA Curling and the Kansas City Curling Club.
• I am actually the proverbial Jack-Of-All-Trades-Master-Of-None. *sigh* One of my sisters calls me a classic underachiever. She’s right.
• Write. I think.

8… Ways to describe my personality
• Cynical.
• Blunt.
• Honest.
• A true compassionate conservative.
* Like Ange, I hate describing myself.

9… Things I can’t do
• Be on time (for most non-military things, because I could be in big trouble with the Army, otherwise). I will be late for my own funeral.
• Fly to the moon.
• Ever tolerate abortion – which is simply the murdering of an inconvienent, unwanted human person, no matter how slickly or ‘scientifically’ the rhetoric is couched. We all started as a bunch of cells... don't bullshit yourself ... they are humans.
• Denounce my Roman Catholic Faith or my country.
• Ever be a MILF.
• Like Ange, I also cannot pick up men in bars.

10…Things I think you should listen to
• You? Who is ‘you’? I know things *I* should listen to...
• If you mean music, then Alison Krauss and Union Station, Elvis, Mozart …
• Jägermeister
• Dr. Michael Savage (The Savage Nation)
• For Catholics, EWTN is good.
• Don Cherry on Hockey Night In Canada.

11…Things you should never listen to
• Most politicians (especially whiny Dems who criticize everything and offer no new solutions of their own).
• Most of the mainstream media.

12…Things I’d like to learn
• Photography (including photo editing, etc.)
• More German, Spanish, Latin, Tagalog, and Visayan.
• Patience in certain things
• More about my 2000 year-old Catholic religion
• To not have such a short attention span and focus more – time management, too.
• To not be depressed so much – to not carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
• To smile more and actually enjoy life
• How to count to 21 without being nekked

13…Favorite foods
• For the last year or so, anything the Army provides, including MREs and menus that repeat every 2 weeks.
• Anything hot, spicy, Mexican, Cajun, Italian, etc.
• Jägerschnitzel, or schnitzel in general, prepared a myriad of ways.
• I guess almost all German food…
• Filipino food (lumpia, pancit, anything adobo – nearly all Filipino food except balut and dinuguan).
• Bleu cheese and extra sharp cheddar. A lot of different cheeses, really. I behold the Power Of Cheese. And I only use real butter – margarine is one molecule away from being a plastic. Flies won’t go near it. And it doesn’t really decay … It truly is one of the worst things you can put in your body …
• Johnsonville Stadium Style Bratwurst
• Nutella Hazelnut/Chocolate spread
• Rachael Ray (That would make her a MILE, not a MILF? Well, she’s both actually… I am soooo bad. I’m going to hell for that one. I guess she has kids? I wrote this partially to see if you are still paying attention.)
• Cream Of Wheat
• Anchovies
• How long can my response to this one be? It’d be shorter to list foods I dislike … I am like a goat. I’ll eat almost anything. Once. And I usually like it.

14…Beverages I drink regularly
• For the last year in Afghanistan – bottled water, Gatorade, an occasional pop.
• Previous to that – filtered tap water, GUINNESS (from the draught can poured into a pint glass), Bailey’s Irish Cream, Asbach Uralt and Coke (a ‘Hütchen’), Jägermeister, German sweet white wines (Spätlese, Auslese, Eiswein), milk, Diet Mountain Dew. If I *have* to drink a domestic beer, it’s Bud Light.

15…TV Shows I watched as a kid
• The Muppet Show/Sesame Street/The Electric Company• The Price Is Right• Hee Haw, The Porter Waggoner Show
• The Gong Show (Chuck Barris, the Unknown Comic, Jamie Farr, J.P. Morgan, and Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine! – What a fabulous show on so many levels.)
• M*A*S*H*
• The Three Stooges – when my Mom and Dad would let me…
• Wonder Woman. Two words: Linda Carter. What a great pair of eyes she has …
• American Bandstand with the ageless Dick Clark
• The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, and Doc Severinson, et al. Late-night TV was funny, then.
• All In The Family/Mork And Mindy/Laverne And Shirley/Happy Days/WKRP In Cinncinnati/The Love Boat/The Partridge Family/The Brady Bunch/Gilligan’s Island/Wrestling At The Chase/St. Louis Blues hockey and St. Louis Cardinals baseball and football…
• Family Ties/The Facts Of Life/Cheers/Night Court/Dif’rent Strokes/Masterpiece Theatre/The Paper Chase/Who’s The Boss?/Married With Children

THANK A SOLDIER

2006-09-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

I didn't write this - but I thought it was pretty good ...

_________________________
You stay up for 16 hours.

He stays up for days on end.

_________________________
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.

He goes days or weeks without running water.

__________________________
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.

He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

__________________________
You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.

He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

__________________________
You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.

He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

__________________________
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.

He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.

__________________________
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.

He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

__________________________
You complain about how hot it is.

He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.

__________________________
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.

He doesn't get to eat today.

__________________________
Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.

He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.

__________________________
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.

He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

__________________________
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.

He's told he will be held over an extra 3 months in a combat zone.

__________________________
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.

He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

__________________________
You hug and kiss your wife, like you do every day.

He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

__________________________
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.

He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.

__________________________
You criticize your government or the president, and say that war never solves anything.

He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.

__________________________
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.

He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.

__________________________
You see only what the media wants you to see.

He sees the broken bodies lying around him.

__________________________
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.

He does exactly what he is told.

__________________________
You stay at home and watch TV.

He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.

__________________________
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.

He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gunfire.

__________________________
You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him.

If only there were more men like him...

RIP SSG Howard and SFC Howard... KIA 08 SEP 06 in Kabul, Afghanistan

2006-09-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

We lost two of the best in the suicide-bomber driven VBIED in Kabul, Afghanistan on 08 SEP 06. I'll let my photo on my flickr.com account speak for me here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/violinsoldier/237698985/
Flickr.com is part of yahoo, and you can log in and leave comments there, too. I also have a lot of pictures of my year in Afghanistan there - feel free to look around.
I'll be leaving Afghanistan in about 26 days (on/about my birthday). I'll be glad to finally come home after a year in this country, but these memories will follow me to my grave. I'll do everything in my power to ensure that SSG Paul and SFC Howard will *never* be forgotten...
(Please visit my friend Hollis's blog, too - he recently wrote about the loss of these two fine soldiers. He can be found among my top friends on my MySpace home page - I am also violinsoldier there ...)

I originally posted this on 11 SEP 06 on MySpace.

For the first time in a long time ...

2006-09-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time, I played my violin, here in Afghanistan. Today. I made music. Just a couple of hours ago. In my own little way, and with my limited repertoire, I created something beautiful, in the midst of all this death and destruction. To some, on my $30 Chinese violin, it may not have been beautiful. It was to me. I bought a cheap one just to have one here. The mere presence of a violin comforts me here, in this lonely war. I hadn't touched it in months. The case had started to collect a nice coat of dust, like everything else here that sits for more than a few hours.
The occasion for playing, you ask? A friend of mine here, an Air Force sergeant, asked me casually last night if I knew anyone who either played the harmonica or fiddle.
Hmmm. I pondered that for a while before volunteering to teach her what I could. She's agreed to buy it, which is nice. I had often wondered what I would do with my violin, when I go off to yet another remote location here in Afghanistan, in only a few days. I am going to a couple of the fun places (Naray and Kamdesh) mentioned here:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060808/ap_on_re_as/afghan_northern_exposure

My problem is, I let things affect me too much. I haven't listened to music for weeks until last night, when my good friend Darby (Hollis, he's on my page) played a DVD of the Blue Man Group in the MWR. Bizarre, but I enjoyed it immensely especially when the guest singer, Tracy something, pulled out a violin during their version of The Who's Baba O'Riley (better known as Teenage Wasteland). I was thinking then how much I missed music. How I long for it, go mad for it, crave it. I do this to myself, you know. I have 39.12 gigs of music at my immediate disposal. 9,568 songs. (Plus 10 gigs I haven't added to my iTunes, yet.) A few seconds, and my aural senses can be filled with Mozart, Vivaldi, Metallica, Guns 'N Roses, Alison Krauss, Elvis Presley, Alan Jackson, or even Culture Club, if I really wanted. (I have several gigs of 80s music, alone, not to copious ampounts of mention country, classical and metal). I have so much great music, with so much more to acquire. I really need to weed some of it out, what I have now. (If I told you where I got it all, I'd have to kill you).
I just hadn't been in any musical mood for weeks, until now. Sure, a random song would pop into my head sometimes, and I would listen to that. With my musical memory, I really don't even need my iPod.
I don't know how long this musical mood will last. Probably just a few more days at least, until my first-ever pupil departs to go home on leave, and I depart to go to parts of Afghanistan that I'd rather not see. By all accounts, though, Nuristan (aka Kafiristan "Land Of The Infidels" (or Unbelievers)), one of the most unreachable parts of the world, is also one of the most breathtaking and scenic parts of our planet. I hope to be able to capture some of the beauty of the land and its people with my new camera, and eventually post them on my photosite (part of Yahoo!): http://www.flickr.com/photos/violinsoldier/
I've heard that this is truly The Land That Time Forgot.
I just checked my iTunes. The last song I listened to was "I Hate Myself For Loving You", by Joan Jett And The Blackhearts. July 4th, @ 0043. (Thats 12:43 AM). What was I doing then? I don't know. Don't remember. Like so many days here, they just run together. I always wear a watch, so I can always know the time. Do I always know the date or day of the week? Doesn't matter much. But why no music since then, when music is such an integral part of my life? I can't answer that, either.
I do know that it felt good, it felt nice, to help someone searching for musical knowledge. I enjoyed helping her, showing her how to hold the violin and the bow. Although I am not a maestro by any account, it felt good to impart some of my violin knowledge unto her. Like so many other things, it transported me to a more peaceful place and time. I really don't know how much of what I showed and told her actually sank into her brain. I'll find out tomorrow when she returns for round two. It was probably more beneficial to me. After she left, I loosened up a bit and started playing. I was amazed how a few tunes came back to me, although my fingers and brain were rusty. It also helped when nightfall came: my fingers knew better where to go in the dark, for some strange, inexplicable reason (I experienced this phenomenon the last times I played, months ago in Gardez. Kinda like a violin X-File).
I guess why I started this long missive-about-nothing, was that I keep having this feeling (almost like a premonition) that when I do a particular thing, it's God letting me do that one more time before the end. I hate to be so dark and depressing, but that's what I feel. I had no real intention of touching my friend the fiddle again before I came home in a couple months (and I can play my 'real' violin again, plus I am definitely going to upgrade, and buy a really nice one). I've always wanted to (just craving it), like longing for a lover's touch, but I never could bring myself to play it.
Next time, I hope it wont be so long between my musical interludes J

*I know this isn't my best writing, or much of anything important that I've said, but for some odd reason, I felt like writing this (it kept getting interrupted, too, so the flow is a little off. Sorry) ..

This was originally written on August 10th, 2006. Delays and other factors made it so I didn't have to go on the dangerous mission. I am now spending my last month in BAF, the safest place in Afghanistan. I have about 20 days to go... :)

Inside A Soldier's Mind .....

2006-08-07T23:48:00.000-07:00

It's just another day here in Afghanistan, and I feel like writing, creating something. If anyone reads this, that's another matter. I can have a million friends in this world, and the most loving family, and still be the loneliest person in the world. People kept in contact when I was first deployed, but with few exceptions, they've all faded back into the hum-drum comfort of their own lives. That's why I feel sometimes that friendship is an illusion for me. One life-long friend (who made fun of me for joining the regular Army back in high school days, and who also later in life became an officer in the Army National Guard) said he would write more, but he just didn't know what to say. Just saying 'hello' is enough. Something. Anything. Just the fact that someone is thinking of me (and all of us here) means the world to me (and all of us here).
I want to go home, but I don't. I hate the Army, but I love the Army, too. I hate being in Afghanistan, yet I love this tragic country and it's afflicted people. I feel loved, but I don't. I feel needed, but I am not. Since being here, I often contemplate my own mortality, and wonder what it is I could die for, here. I know that the War on Terror in Afghanistan and the rebuilding of this country are back-page news in America, unless someone gets killed. Even then, it quickly fades from the American mind. Too many other things to worry about - who made it on American Idol, or got voted off of Survivor. Switch to Oprah or Springer or WWE, anything, ballet - the news is too depressing.
Even Pat Tillman quickly faded from view. He gave his life here in Afghanistan, and the Army initially covered up the circumstances surrounding his completely-avoidable death. He was the recruiting poster-boy, the NFL star who turned down millions of dollars to become an Army Ranger (along with his brother), and serve tours in Iraq and here.
Anyway, does anyone appreciate what we are doing here? If I gave my life, what would it be for? Do the Afghan people care? I have met many painfully-appreciative yet war-wary Afghans who do, and they've expressed to me that the Taliban, the Al Qaeda, the terrorists, the bad guys, DO NOT represent the average Afghan (is there one?), do not represent Afghanistan or Islam. I take comfort in that. I really think that the honest, decent, every-day Afghans definitely would appreciate my sacrifice, if it came to that.
Would America appreciate my sacrifice? Sure, various groups and friends and family would, or at least they might ensure I am never forgotten - even if it is only a plaque somewhere or a mention on a website. But people back home cannot understand what we do here, cannot fathom it, and probably don't really appreciate it.
We are so fortunate, being Americans. We don't really even understand that, or want to take the time to think about it, except maybe a couple of times each year. We shut our eyes to the rest of the world's problems. We're oblivious to the mere fact that most people outside of the fortunate nations wake up every day and try to eke out an existance that's anything but tolerable or liveable. They wake up and try to survive. That's the real Survivor, not some ridiculous, contrived TV program.
We Americans cannot comprehend living any other way. How many of us are angered just because our Big Mac took a few extra minutes, and either silently or audibly voice our displeasure, as if some grave offense against our persons had been committed? How many of us can stand being inconvenienced for even a second? What if our cable/satellite TV or internet service goes down (God forbid), even only briefly? What if there's a long checkout line at Wal-Mart or the grocery store? How dare they not open another lane! And how oh-so-quickly our evil pride gets wounded when someone cuts us off in traffic or if a harried waitress accidentally spills the coffee. How indignant we can be!
I've come to hold much disdain for our instant-gratification society, a cancer that's spread to other parts of the free and not-so-free world. Yeah, I know it's all relative, and some things are just human nature (we adapt and get used to our surroundings, for better or worse). Some people say they 'would just die' without music or their iPod (incessantly tuning them out from their surroundings, anesthetizing them further from reality). I am just as guilty on some of these charges. I love music, and a world without it for me would be a thing of sadness. Would I 'die' without it? Of course not. I just hate that phraseology. People around the globe ARE literally dying, not from the lack of an MP3 player, but from the lack of safe food, safe water, and safe shelter, or just the lack of these things in general (safe or not).
Those friends and family who do know me well, know that I am a hard-core conservative, politically. My Roman Catholicism makes me care about people, though, without regard for their own religion, race, ethnicity, culture, land-of-origin, socio-economic status, musical preference, whatever. To put it into Klinton-ese "I feel their pain." I may not be friends with someone, or I may not like what they DO or BELIEVE, but I would do whatever I could for someone, if the opportunity presented itself. I love people, who are all created in the image and likeness of God (what the people do with themselves after they were created is largely a product of excercising their own free will). I would love to save the world, and everyone in it, but I know that's not possible, so I have to focus on my own sphere of influence (family, friends, fellow soldiers, aquaintances, etc.) I digressed a bit - hope you don't mind (if you are even reading this).
Even the so-called poor in America aren't really poor. There's lots of government agencies, churches, and organizations, ready to lend a hand(out). That creates a dependant class, with a 'victim' mentality, but that's another topic for another day. We have education readily available to us, and many Americans ignore it. Granted, most American schools are liberal cesspools filled with poison ready for the impressionable mind, but good, solid education is at least available, if you look for it, or just refuse to swallow the poison that is offered in the name of education. Here, we build schools, and the enemy blows them up (especially schools that would educate the female gender). People everywhere here in Afghanistan are hungry for education, for knowledge, for a way up and out of their daily sufferings and predicaments. We could use a bit of that hunger again in America, perhaps like our forefathers had, and stay away from the all-you-can-eat buffet or the smorgasbord.
So, what would I really be dying for, if I did make the ultimate sacrifice here? I would be dying for your American 'right' to that Big Mac, prepared just the way you want it, and without undue delay. I hope it tastes good.

*I originally wrote this on 10 JUL 06 ... on MySpace.com ....