Advice ... sometimes it's good :)

Got some advice from a friend recently - on two separate people currently involved in my life, more or less. One more, one less. One I'd like to be more involved, the other it just doesn't matter.

The one less involved? She's dangerous - I should stay away, or at least be careful. A bit of immaturity involved. The word promiscuous came up. 'Nuff said there. So far, just grade school stuff and beer drinking, etc. Nothing major there. Just having fun.

The other one is a bit more complex - but not really. The actual advice I got shall not be repeated here (well, hinted at), but it was just common sense. It's all I have in this particular situation, really. I'll just have to see how it plays out - and just how patient I am - and at this stage of the game, it's just a fantasy, anyway. The word 'pipedream' comes to mind.

The hard part is that I have already revealed too much of what's in my head to this person - and know not much of what's going on in hers. She could be just playin' me ... which isn't hard, believe me. I am still pretty naive in a lot of ways, and my current fragile emotional situation just makes it easier to play me. And I am a very passive person, which also doesn't help - not in just this situation, but in a lot of them throughout my life.

At this point, it's like beating a dead horse. What she gets out of torturing me, I don't know. Maybe it's just friendship. Maybe it's pheromones or whatever. Yeah. Whatever. I am just about to the point where I must stop these 'extra' feelings for this person, too. It's pointless and just makes me ache inside for something that will also never happen - no matter how delusional I become about her. Besides, honestly: she ain't the one, either.

I just need someone to appreciate me for ME: to be at least fairly close to me on an intellectual level, and someone who enjoys at least a few (if not most or all) of my hobbies and interests. Someone who *I* can't wait to come home to be with. Someone who can't wait to see *me* again, even after a few hours at work. ME. Is that so little to ask?

I made a mistake 7 years ago. I am so tired of living this way. Nothing against her, either. You can't make yourself love someone. Sorry.

Love is a two-way street. I am tired of going the wrong way down a one-way street and never finding that two-way street.

The longer I live, the more I am an observer of the 'human condition'.

How involved we get on so many different levels with so many different people is amazing. Some people are a part of our lives forever. Some are parts of it to varying degrees. Some are in and out of our lives in minutes, hours, weeks, days, months, years or decades. Sometimes it's like ships passing in the night - more fleeting, if you will :)

You can never go back in time, I've discovered. My trip to Germany while on leave from Afghanistan proved that to me - as if I needed proof. I needed to put my hands in Our Lord's side, just like Thomas.

We care about people because we let ourselves care about them. People are born, and they live and die every day on this third rock from the sun. We don't know or care about most of them - at least in a personal way. We may 'care for the poor and oppressed' or 'support the troops', but unless we know any personally, we don't REALLY care. They live and die and life goes on. It's the ones we let in past our emotional walls we've built for ourselves that count - and those can also do the most damage. By letting them in, it can be a great thing or a horrible thing. I'm tired of getting hurt, and may never let anyone in again. At least for a long time ...

And for my own sanity, I may have to kick some out I've recently let in ...

Don't take it personally :)

Lightning strikes twice ...

She saved me again tonight.

This time, she knows it.

She didn't know before, when she saved me from harming myself.

I will name her.

Out her, if you will.

Becky. Rebecca.

I know what I must do.

What will I do?

My religion forbids it.

OUR religion forbids it.

My family will hate me.

Her family will hate me.

SHE will hate me.

I must do it.

Seven long years of knowing what a mistake it was.

I don't hate her.

Don't dislike her.

Never hit her - never was truly mean to her.

We just aren't right for each other.

I wish her well.

I love her but can never be *in* love with her.

I do love her because of what we've been through.

So much together....

Nothing personal.

I just can't live this way anymore.

Thanks, Rebecca.

You've shown me what I must do.

For my sanity - and what's left of it.

For my survival.

The truth is out there.

I want to believe.

I love you so much for saving my life tonight.

As much as friends can love each other.

I hope to be friends for a long time.

I hate the fleeting friendships of this world.

But thanks to you, I remain in this world.

I hope to be friends for more than a long time.

30 years? More? No matter how long or how far.

We *will* be friends.

What would I do without you?

Not much.

Just die.


P.S. I wrote this @ about 0300 this morning ... feeling no physical pain ... after a night of darts, Captain Morgan, Guinness, and a drunken foray with Becky into Wal Mart ... what a strange night it was ... but fun.