I am in HELL

I know I haven't posted any blogs or really even been online much in the last few months. My beautiful, smart, and wonderful 13 year-old daughter Breauna Michelle came back into my life over the last few months. That's all God gave me.

She and I were long-lost souls, re-connected. We were inseparable. Her mind was just like mine - she would finish a thought that I was speaking, or a joke I was making, and vice versa. Amazing.

I was working on paternity/rights/possible custody.

She had a lot of problems. She was troubled long before I came back into her life. I won't get into why I missed ten years of her life. It's irrelevant at this point.

I don't know why she did it. I was the last person to speak to her on this earth, and she gave no hint as to her intentions for what she did just an hour or so later. She just wanted to be with me, and I was working on the legal issues. She was miserable where she was. The time just didn't move fast enough for her, and I'll never know truly why she did it, or if she had wanted to be discovered or what. I wanted to give her the world and now I will never have that chance. She was and is the love of my life.

I've been to war. Spent a year on the ground in Afghanistan. I've thought that it was hell, and it is. I would go through the worst days I experienced in Afghanistan a jillion million infinite times rather than go through November 7th, 2007 again. I type this through the streaming tears and the pain that will never, ever go away.

I love you and miss you so much Breauna Michelle. I hope to be with you in heaven someday, but I am in hell now... She will always be my daughter, my sweetheart (NO ONE will ever be called that by me again), Sweet Child O' Mine (our song).

You know I love you mostesterest times infinity times q, even though I have seven gallons and you only have two buckets. I AM dumber than my left shoe, and am the most retarded person that's not been declared legally retarded. I am also the gayest straight person that's not really gay.

I love you Bre. I love you and miss you and keep thinking you will call or text me a million times a day like before, like it's some cruel dream that I can't wake up from. Parents shouldn't bury their children. You are up there with your half-brother Anthony Edward.

I have no one else left. My divorce isn't final yet. I am all alone without you, Breauna. You are my world, and my world is gone. I will love you and think of you and cry for you with every breath I have left in this world.

I taste the pain of my tears dripping down my face at this moment. I can't live without you. Life is nothing without you. I know life goes on, but I am miserable thinking of the bright future that was snuffed out. You wanted to be a surgeon someday ... I know you would have been brilliant.

All I can ask, is why? Why God, why? Why Bre, why? You know how much you were and are loved. Forever. I would have given you all I could have, and more.

I miss you, honey. I love you, sweetheart.

xxxx oooo xxxx oooo xxxx oooo