Inside A Soldier's Mind .....

It's just another day here in Afghanistan, and I feel like writing, creating something. If anyone reads this, that's another matter. I can have a million friends in this world, and the most loving family, and still be the loneliest person in the world. People kept in contact when I was first deployed, but with few exceptions, they've all faded back into the hum-drum comfort of their own lives. That's why I feel sometimes that friendship is an illusion for me. One life-long friend (who made fun of me for joining the regular Army back in high school days, and who also later in life became an officer in the Army National Guard) said he would write more, but he just didn't know what to say. Just saying 'hello' is enough. Something. Anything. Just the fact that someone is thinking of me (and all of us here) means the world to me (and all of us here).
I want to go home, but I don't. I hate the Army, but I love the Army, too. I hate being in Afghanistan, yet I love this tragic country and it's afflicted people. I feel loved, but I don't. I feel needed, but I am not. Since being here, I often contemplate my own mortality, and wonder what it is I could die for, here. I know that the War on Terror in Afghanistan and the rebuilding of this country are back-page news in America, unless someone gets killed. Even then, it quickly fades from the American mind. Too many other things to worry about - who made it on American Idol, or got voted off of Survivor. Switch to Oprah or Springer or WWE, anything, ballet - the news is too depressing.
Even Pat Tillman quickly faded from view. He gave his life here in Afghanistan, and the Army initially covered up the circumstances surrounding his completely-avoidable death. He was the recruiting poster-boy, the NFL star who turned down millions of dollars to become an Army Ranger (along with his brother), and serve tours in Iraq and here.
Anyway, does anyone appreciate what we are doing here? If I gave my life, what would it be for? Do the Afghan people care? I have met many painfully-appreciative yet war-wary Afghans who do, and they've expressed to me that the Taliban, the Al Qaeda, the terrorists, the bad guys, DO NOT represent the average Afghan (is there one?), do not represent Afghanistan or Islam. I take comfort in that. I really think that the honest, decent, every-day Afghans definitely would appreciate my sacrifice, if it came to that.
Would America appreciate my sacrifice? Sure, various groups and friends and family would, or at least they might ensure I am never forgotten - even if it is only a plaque somewhere or a mention on a website. But people back home cannot understand what we do here, cannot fathom it, and probably don't really appreciate it.
We are so fortunate, being Americans. We don't really even understand that, or want to take the time to think about it, except maybe a couple of times each year. We shut our eyes to the rest of the world's problems. We're oblivious to the mere fact that most people outside of the fortunate nations wake up every day and try to eke out an existance that's anything but tolerable or liveable. They wake up and try to survive. That's the real Survivor, not some ridiculous, contrived TV program.
We Americans cannot comprehend living any other way. How many of us are angered just because our Big Mac took a few extra minutes, and either silently or audibly voice our displeasure, as if some grave offense against our persons had been committed? How many of us can stand being inconvenienced for even a second? What if our cable/satellite TV or internet service goes down (God forbid), even only briefly? What if there's a long checkout line at Wal-Mart or the grocery store? How dare they not open another lane! And how oh-so-quickly our evil pride gets wounded when someone cuts us off in traffic or if a harried waitress accidentally spills the coffee. How indignant we can be!
I've come to hold much disdain for our instant-gratification society, a cancer that's spread to other parts of the free and not-so-free world. Yeah, I know it's all relative, and some things are just human nature (we adapt and get used to our surroundings, for better or worse). Some people say they 'would just die' without music or their iPod (incessantly tuning them out from their surroundings, anesthetizing them further from reality). I am just as guilty on some of these charges. I love music, and a world without it for me would be a thing of sadness. Would I 'die' without it? Of course not. I just hate that phraseology. People around the globe ARE literally dying, not from the lack of an MP3 player, but from the lack of safe food, safe water, and safe shelter, or just the lack of these things in general (safe or not).
Those friends and family who do know me well, know that I am a hard-core conservative, politically. My Roman Catholicism makes me care about people, though, without regard for their own religion, race, ethnicity, culture, land-of-origin, socio-economic status, musical preference, whatever. To put it into Klinton-ese "I feel their pain." I may not be friends with someone, or I may not like what they DO or BELIEVE, but I would do whatever I could for someone, if the opportunity presented itself. I love people, who are all created in the image and likeness of God (what the people do with themselves after they were created is largely a product of excercising their own free will). I would love to save the world, and everyone in it, but I know that's not possible, so I have to focus on my own sphere of influence (family, friends, fellow soldiers, aquaintances, etc.) I digressed a bit - hope you don't mind (if you are even reading this).
Even the so-called poor in America aren't really poor. There's lots of government agencies, churches, and organizations, ready to lend a hand(out). That creates a dependant class, with a 'victim' mentality, but that's another topic for another day. We have education readily available to us, and many Americans ignore it. Granted, most American schools are liberal cesspools filled with poison ready for the impressionable mind, but good, solid education is at least available, if you look for it, or just refuse to swallow the poison that is offered in the name of education. Here, we build schools, and the enemy blows them up (especially schools that would educate the female gender). People everywhere here in Afghanistan are hungry for education, for knowledge, for a way up and out of their daily sufferings and predicaments. We could use a bit of that hunger again in America, perhaps like our forefathers had, and stay away from the all-you-can-eat buffet or the smorgasbord.
So, what would I really be dying for, if I did make the ultimate sacrifice here? I would be dying for your American 'right' to that Big Mac, prepared just the way you want it, and without undue delay. I hope it tastes good.

*I originally wrote this on 10 JUL 06 ... on MySpace.com ....